Third things first

Thundering along on Medium.com…

This is now my third article on medium.com. And I haven’t got round to writing my first one yet. This is very confusing. I hope you are keeping up.

I recommend that you read my first two articles first. And in the correct order. But it’s up to you. I prefer my readers not to have nervous breakdowns. So if you do, don’t blame me. You read my stuff at your own peril. Let that be a warning to you.

If you really are determined to dive in straight away impetuously, here goes:

To recap: I had a long rip-roaring life in an office. As a window starer outer, second class. But even all that was not enough for me. I yearned to be a writer.

Now, I am retired. Free at last!

Now as everybody knows, old people know everything. We learn it by listening carefully to the younger ones. Usually whilst pretending to be deaf. So they speak up a bit. The more young people there are around, the more we can listen in! And the bigger our brains get. As you get older you need all the brains you can get.

So, as a retired chap, I have the time to be whatever I want to be! And I get a free bus pass! So I have the freedom of the open road!

I can now spend all my time riding round and round. Listening in. To all the wisdom of the young. As they get on the bus, yabber away, and then get off again to make way for new ones.

As a younger man, when I thought ahead to my retirement, I confess my mind sometimes wandered away from being a writer. Maybe, I thought, I should be a shark wrestler. Or a sky diver. Or suchlike.

But in the end, they sound a bit boring to me. As a shark wrestler, all you ever get is sharks. As a sky diver, all you ever get is parachutes. But as a writer, your mind can soar. So you can have anything you want. Whenever you want it. Wherever you want it. Without ever getting any of your bits bitten off. Or slammed into the ground. Clearly writing is a superior endeavour.

So, having reaffirmed that writing is clearly where the action is, we can see why, in the end, only wimps bother with sharks or parachutes. Wimps with deep insecurities they are trying to hide. Something to prove.

Real men have no need of such evasions. Real men face life in the raw, eyeball to eyeball. And write about it.

Incidentally, if there are any shark wrestlers or sky divers reading this, tough! The truth hurts sometimes. Get over it. And put down your tablet while wrestling / diving. They don’t pay you to read. And the shark might get it caught between it’s teeth. Or just pinch it and swim off for a read. Everybody knows sharks are such sensitive creatures.

So. Writing is my new retirement ‘thing’. So get ready! here it comes:

First, I need to get in the mood. The ‘zone’. As if balanced on a coiled spring. Ready to burst forth. With torrents of goodness pouring out onto the page.

I. Must. Calm. Down. Right down. Right now. Relax. Get rid of all possible distractions. Put the family in the cupboard under the stairs. Breathe deeply.

Now I can think profound thoughts. Chew the end of my pencil. That should get the old brain going. I hope so anyway. It seems to work for the other writers. Some of them anyway.

Hang on a minute. I don’t have a pencil. I thought they’d been uninvented? Maybe chew one of those pointy stylus things instead then. That’s the same really. Or a mouse perhaps. If they still have mice. The pace of tech nowadays…

Now, once in the zone, what am I going to write about? What is it that comes straight into my totally emptied out, totally refreshed, totally receptive mind? Er… I know! I’ll write about what everybody else writes about on medium.com! I’ll write about writing on medium.com! It seems to be a very popular subject. That’s bound to attract lots of readers.

After all, I need my own niche. I need to corner my own market by being unique and uncopyable. I need to show my independence to the readers of the world. So I’ll do what everybody else does.

That’ll make me stand out from the crowd. It sure sounds like a winner.

Hang on a minute! That’s what I’ve just done! An article on medium.com about writing on medium.com! You’ve just read it! It’s already finished!

So. Been there. Done that. Another feather in the cap.

Mind you, speaking purely for myself you understand, writing on medium.com about writing on medium.com sounds a bit, er, you know, boring.

Is that sacrilegious? Will I get booted off now? Cut off in my prime, as it were? Just as I was getting started? I do hope not. I’m only a beginner. And I’m really looking forward to boring people to death.

But I’m sure, sooner or later, I’ll think about what else I could write about. Yes. Thinking. I’ve heard of that.

But just for now: Wow! If I’d known this writing lark was so easy I would’ve done it years ago…